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I made some more changes so please disregard the previous version.
Some background too, I wrote this story because I have been thinking about objects being more than we assume. The idea I am kicking around is that a traumatic event can imprint itself onto the objects where it occurred, like light hitting the surface of a photograph.
The addition of the datacenters brings the story into a more present day setting although the story itself is sort of a classic. Like history repeating itself. I could see the stranger being more smiling and phony like a real estate agent or someone from the tech industry rather than the slick evil city businessman style.
The radio ad is a great touch too. I like the call back to it playing on the telephone receiver when the farmer has his heart attack.
I don’t have many notes tbh. I really liked the draft before the dialogue was added and thought it could work with minimal or none at all, but what you have written works nicely.
I really love this story. It has a lot of great characters, they are all very animated and the panels have a lot of action in them. I think you could condense the panel descriptions by considering what details are important to the story vs what you could allow the artist to make their own decisions on.
I think perhaps the dialogue of the host could be refined to have a bit less stuttering and maybe consider using more uncertain language to portray their nervousness. As it is now, it reads more like a caricature or that they have a stuttering speech impediment and distracts from the mood of the story.
I like the inclusion of the recipe for the dish too!
This just keeps getting better! The only part that is unclear to me is how the cells work when the old wizard pulls Rhea into the cell and pushes her out of the cell. What is keeping the wizard in the cell?
Great work!
The descriptions of each panel are well crafted, they are concise but also very descriptive which I think is a difficult thing to do.
Your story reminded me of this radiolab episode about a retirement home in Germany that has a fake bus stop in front to help the residents from wandering away.
https://radiolab.org/podcast/91948-the-bus-stop
I like pages three and four where we get to see the chef being a hard-ass and the nosy kitchen staff. There is good contrast of demeanor when the chef is talking with the customer to dealing with the kitchen.
This story has the feel of an Alfred Hitchcock Presents episode. Maybe I am reading into it, but the way the visitor is unbothered by the declined offer give some devilish vibes too. There are big things happening but the actual action is rather subtle.
This story has a lot action throughout the scenes. Very exciting! Is the object that the magicless wizard gives Rhea hidden from the reader?
The dad and Nejwa having powers is an interesting addition to an otherwise pretty normal story. It comes up in the beginning but doesn’t show up again. It seems from the title that her powers are important so it might be good to have them be a theme throughout the whole story.
I love the tragedy of it. It’s heartbreaking and leaves a lot of mystery in the right places. Just when he’s getting on the right track, it’s too late. Brutal. What will happen to the land? Will the daughter sell it?? We don’t get to know!?
This is such a lovely story! I like that Chef reveals she has experience caring for someone with dementia, we get a bit of insight into something personal about Chef. Although she’s a tough cookie, here we see she has a big heart. It might benefit if something happens at the beginning where Chef comes off as a hard ass. Then there would be a bigger contrast in her reaction to the customer.
