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I like this, Mik. My one big comment is, as written, I think the audience maybe knows too much all at once. It might help the reader experience if we don’t know about the dementia until the end of the story, or even if we don’t know that Chef is preparing the meal. A little sleight of hand that makes it seem like she’s being more dismissive than she is. Basically, as structured, this story:
1. Gives us all the information, and
2. Then the characters follow through on that information in the way one would expect
So by depriving us of some of the information early on, we’ll go on more of a surprising emotional journey.
And hey, guess what? One of the topics we’re discussing in class tomorrow night is Order of Information! So that should be helpful to you in your next steps.
Okay, I really like this. I don’t know if this is an influence on you or just something I’m bringing to it, but it feels very Ray Bradbury to me.
I would posit that, perhaps, the farmer THINKS his goal is to keep the farm in his family for a fourth generation, but in reality, his goal is to mend the rift with his daughter. And he starts off by thinking that maintaining the farm is HOW to do that, but his thoughts evolve on that over the course of the story.
Really nice work, Nick.
That makes sense, yeah. I’m not sure how this will work in a visual comics medium, but hey, that’s what the assignments are for! And I see you posted your second part, so I’ll go check that out and see if that offers any clarification.
No worries, Jon, hope you’re feeling better!
What would you say is the goal, here?
I think I know the answer, but as written this sentence still doesn’t have one.
Character: Some friends
Action: explore a cheap new form of entertainmentAnd then the rest of the sentence, “that sets them on a different path than the rest of their pack,” is an OUTCOME, as we discussed in class. As written, it’s something that would happen whether they were expecting it to or not, not necessarily a goal they had in mind.
The goal has to be the specific thing they WANT, which they either achieve or do not achieve by the end of the story.
Okay, I REALLY like this! Lots of great twists, incredibly high emotional stakes, and fucked-up endings are dear to my heart.
I do think you likely have WAY too much for five pages, and will need to streamline, but I wouldn’t worry about that now, the next couple weeks of homework will help you with that. I mentioned we do five-page stories because they’re harder, not easier, and the incredibly limited amount of plot it allows for is a big part of the reason why.
In the interest of purity you could cut everything before the comma to strip it down to just the three basic elements, BUT yeah, this works and you’re good to go on to the second part!
What does the farmer have to DO to refuse the offer? I said not to include obstacles, but I do think we need some sense of the actual ACTION being taken, otherwise your story is:
PANEL ONE: Stranger offers to buy land.
PANEL TWO: Farmer says no.THE END
So it’d be good to know what the action is a little more definitively, the thing that’s happening on the page. Other than that, good start!
Good start, Rebecca, but I think your action and goal need a little work
Character: Detective
Action: discovers her psychic ability to experience history through objects. But “discovers” implies this is something that passively happens — what action did she take to discover it? Is the discovery what the story is ABOUT, or is it just the thing that kicks off the story? If it’s the latter, then what’s the real action? Mastering the power? Learning about the power? Using the power?
Goal: while she investigates the murder of a young woman is something she’s doing, but it’s not a goal, since she’s…already doing it. It could be her action, but the action seems to be centered around her psychic power. And, since it’s a murder investigation, the goal is pretty obvious, right? Solve the murder!
I think what you’re looking for is something like
A detective masters her new psychic powers to solve a murder, or a detective uses her new psychic power to solve a murder. Those are pretty mid examples, but they hopefully illustrate what I mean, and you know your story well enough to come up with exactly what it needs!
Worked in class, still works! I’m really intrigued by this one, looking forward to seeing how it develops.
Mmmm kay. I like this. I think — and this is a bit of a tricky one — ‘uses anything but magic’ doesn’t really work as a goal, because it’s NOT doing something. Like…I think it should be “uses non-magical means,” but then a little voice in my head says “holy cow that’s a pedantic note, Paul.”
But honestly, week one notes are often quite pedantic, because we’re trying to get you to think about stories in a very specific and certain way.
Also — I can’t say for sure, but I suspect that perhaps not using magic IS the wizard’s goal? Presumably, it will be DIFFICULT for your wizard to use non-magical means, they will WANT to use magic, but there’s some reason why they can’t or won’t. So perhaps it’s
A wizard tries out new techniques to avoid using magic.
Character: wizard
Action: new techniques (you could feel free to be more specific as well)
Goal: avoid using magicYou know, better than I do, whether that makes sense for your story. So, you may need to rewrite this with “avoid magic” as the goal, or you may need to leave it as is and just tweak the action to make it an affirmative rather than a negative.
Either way, great start, just needs one or two tweaks and then you’re good to go on to part 2!
Hey, Jon —
You have characters and a goal but no action — “find a cheap new form of entertainment,” as written, is something that happens to them, not something they do. What is the action they take to find it? The goal is also a bit passive. “Avoid keeping up” is something they could do by literally doing nothing, right? Like…it’s impossible to fail at “avoiding keeping up.”
It’s also possible — and this happens a lot — that what you have as “action” is really just the inciting incident. They find a cheap new form of entertainment, and THEN the actual story happens. I don’t know if that’s the case here, without more info, but it’s worth mentioning in case it is.
It’s an intriguing idea, but I would rework before moving on to part 2! (which you already did, but after getting your story sentence in shape, some of it might change — and I’m not reading it yet because you worked ahead and I’d prefer to wait until this part is in shape, ha).
This is a good start, though, and I suspect you’re gonna have a great story.
