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Okay, lots of paraphrasing throughout this! I would do another draft to remove it and make sure the visuals work as they are. Examples (I may have missed some):
addresses the Chef of the difficult customer.
asks for the Customer’s order
instructs the kitchen to prepare ingredients while she’s in her office.
requests an operator
yells to ask if her ingredients are ready and the kitchen answers in unison
Chef instructs the Sous Chef on the recipe
yells at the kitchen staff to stop being nosy and the giggly kitchen staff affirms the Chef’s order in unison
talk about how the Chef knew the Customer is from an elderly care facility nearby
argue on who will tell the Host that she did a good jobEek! It’s hard to evaluate with that level of paraphrasing, but some other notes
–Slamming doors open is a LITTLE tough in comics, but it works, with SFX. Also, I wouldn’t mention the kitchen staff here, that makes it much harder to pull off. I’d just focus onthe host and the doors, and THEN that reverse shot of the staff, who have clearly all just heard her entrance.
–Walks towards the kitchen door to exit into the dining area, correct? For a split second I misread it as “exiting the building,” so I’d clarify.
–So, this is a quibble, but try to avoid writing panel descriptions as though you’re just giving information rather than telling us what we’re seeing. Like:
“The Customer has a medical bracelet tucked behind her baby blue watch and mardi gras beads bracelet.”
Should be something like
“Closer on a medical bracelet tucked behind…”
It’s a small difference but an important one.
Similarly: “The Customer’s order of Chicken a la King is ready for pick up.” Okay. That’s a fact. But what do we SEE in the panel?
I really dig this story, and it’s well-paced and solid, but yeah, needs another draft before moving on to dialogue to get rid of the paraphrase and address the issues above!
–“while stammering out a vague explanation of the night before”
This is the kind of paraphrased dialogue I was talking about! It obscures the ability to see whether the visuals work alone, and also is something you shouldn’t have in the final script, because it’s repeating.You could just say “while stammering.” BUT then, next question, how is she drinking and stammering at once? If she’s talking, her mouth is visible, so she’s just holding the coffee cup.
More paraphrasing:
by stating that the police have yet to find the murderer.
to say a final farewell
The television continues to detail the murder story in the background.I’ll give you “with a news story about a brutal murder” because it affects the visuals, ha.
Okay, yeah, “He asks if she was at the crime scene last night,” “He explains there have been complaints that there are people there late at night,” we’re going FULL PARAPHRASE. I’d suggest taking another run at this before moving on to dialogue.
–“shakes his head” is one of those things you can’t show in comics — still images.
–what does “littered with X’s” mean? Also, I think you could cut this panel, to leave more room for panel one, which is a LOT of images all in one, by design.
–I like this bit at the end of page three, and kudos for leaving room for it.
–Last panel, Mac can’t go to the window and be standing at the window seeing her girlfriend. She should already be at the window.
So, some little quibbles, and some paraphrasing issues that I was worried would go throughout the script, but didn’t. Overall, a really nice job, just some things to tighten up! Nice work,
First off, from here on be sure to upload your homework as a word-compatible document, rather than copying and pasting in!
–I’m not sure you need page one, panel five. Page two panel one, the stranger could maybe be stepping up the steps while holding out the document, which would give more room for big panels up front, that epic, spooky opening.
–Page three, panel two, another one I think you could cut, and I think it’d help keep your pacing moving a bit.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s about all I have. Really nice work. Lovely job with the panel descriptions, crisp and evocative, very artist-friendly. You do a great job conveying the mood.
–This works for if the artist has already designed your characters, but normally you’ll want to provide a bit of description in your scripts.
–As the artist, I’d want to know what Rhea’s face and posture are like as she’s holding a dragon made of fire. That seems like a big thing, and I could imagine a LOT of different reactions!
–Really effective beat at the bottom of page one.
–On page two, again, how is Rhea reacting to this? Not just what she’s doing, which you tell us, but her face and body language. Is she just trying the door, like “let’s see if this works,” or is she desperately pulling on it, or is she looking frustrated. When she opens the door, what’s her reaction? I won’t belabor the point, but this probably goes for the next pages as well.
–Page three panel three, you have two things going on which are going to divide the audience’s attention. Ideally they’d be two panels, if you can find a place to cut. I.E. rather than the peeking around the corner panel, we JUST see her rush into an open cell, then we see the guards walk by, and go “oh, that’s why she had to rush into that cell.”
Look for those little opportunities to let the reader catch up and be engaged.
–the Wizard pulling her toward him and also putting something in her hand is also a LITTLE tricky for one panel, but it can work.
–If Rhea just barely escapes the guards’ notice too many times in a row, they start to feel a little dumb and incompetent, you know? Feels too easy to just sneak past them repeatedly. I’m wondering if you even need the guards the first time around — like, just as an example, she’s escaping down the hall, the wizard PULLS her in, and gives her the object, and that gives you more panels to play out those beats — pulling her is one panel, spitting at her is another, putting something in her hand is another. And then he’s like “the guards are coming, get the futz out of here!” and she only evades them once.
This also helps BUILD the tension and obstacles, rather than playing out the same beat over a couple of pages.
–Clapping is very hard to show in a comic, for…obvious reasons. Repetitive motion. It’ll work with SFX, SORT OF, we won’t know how fast she’s clapping, hor forcefully, et cet. I’d try to come up with something that works better visually in a still image.
–Page five panel three, two actions in one panel. She can’t be ushered forward and step to the edge and gasp at what she sees all in one panel. Pick your moment.
–Great ending. IDEALLY, if you can find places to cut, I think it’d be better to have her step through the stone door at the end of page four, and have page five be a four-panel page. You have some great, cool, creepy visuals there, and it’d be good to give them a little more space than your other pages.
Really nice work!
HOMEWORK WEEK 4:
After revising your panel descriptions based on feedback, write all dialogue, narration, SFX et cetera into your script!
A few things:
1. Remember the difference between text and subtext.
2. Number your balloons.
3. Remember to put your contact info on the script (it can be fake, for this class). This is your first draft!
You can use the attached example script as a guide for formatting.
Review your classmates’ work and give feedback!
HOMEWORK WEEK FOUR, PART TWO:
We have a guest artist in class Wednesday, to talk about collaborations between artists and writers. Submit at least two questions for them on this topic in the Q&A thread.
HOMEWORK WEEK 3:
- Revise your page-by-page outline based on criticism received in class.
- Turn your page-by-page outline into a partial script — with only panel descriptions—no dialogue, SFX, captions, thought balloons. Each page should have a maximum of five panels.
Remember these tips:
- One action per panel.
- First sentence needs to be the primary ACTION of the panel. Anything after the first sentence is “optional” to be included in the panel.
- Only describe how something looks when you are establishing it.
- Focus on what you want the panel to ACCOMPLISH/how you want it to FEEL, rather than giving very specific detail.
Do NOT paraphrase dialogue in your panel descriptions!
Do not over-write your panel descriptions. Look at the example. Notice that they rarely dictate camera angles, body language, or distance of the camera to the subject matter. They leave the staging to the artist, as you should. There are exceptions when something specific is needed, but as a general rule, you need to allow your artist to tell the story and contribute equally to the final product.
When finished, read it over from start to finish. This is a visual medium so you should be able to discern the essential elements and thrust of the story from the descriptions you’ve provided. If not, you need to go back and find a way to visualize your story further. Do not rely on dialogue to carry your story.
As always, homework should be posted as a Word-Compatible Document.
- Review your classmates’ homework and give feedback!
Yeah, you’re good on your characters, no worries there.
Some of your pages have a bit much — page two, it probably doesn’t seem like it, but the process of the chef observing the customer and her quirks and figuring things out will likely take more space than you think.
On page four, you have two scenes shoved in to one page, PLUS the nurses, and it’s a lot.
Something to consider: do you need your first page? If you started with the host leading the chef to a difficult customer (and we could learn that in a single line), what would you lose? Not saying “cut the first page,” just giving you food for thought. I know you want to establish the idea that the chef has to teach the host their job, but again, I think you could accomplish that in an economical line or two.
Really nice job overall, though. I really dig this story.
Your first page is just exposition. We’ll be talking…next week, I think? Or in two weeks, since next week is our skip week…about good ways to handle exposition, but the best way is to try to get rid of it, haha, and seed in the info other ways.
“She manages to escape her cell without using magic.” How does she do that? You only have part of one page for it, so it’ll be tough to make it interesting in the space provided. But not impossible.
Nice job overall, well paced, a little a LOT at times for one page, but you’ll get it worked out as you go — all very doable, you just might have to dig in a bit. I think this week’s homework will help you get a better sense of it.
Nice job, Rebecca. There were a few parts where I was a bit confused — I’m not sure what a “closed” murder scene means. And “the coffee table will be next,” I’m assuming means she’s doing this for multiple objects?
I do think having the girlfriend appear only on page one and page five might make the ending less impactful, but it depends on the details, so TBD.
Also, I usually don’t comment on typos, but I did spend a lot of page one thinking that Mac was rushing around, frantically gathering dresses into her arms, for unknown reasons, haha.
Nice job, Nick! Really well-paced. Page four might be a little overstuffed, but you’ll get a better sense of that as we move forward.
Two exercises this week!
EXERCISE TWO — STORY EVALUATION
Write down the initial concept of some famous stories, good, bad and ugly. Then, write a short paragraph on how well executed that concept was. Consider the importance of execution.
EXERCISE THREE– SCENES
Look at a scene in your favorite comic. Reverse-engineer a story sentence for just that scene. Then, write down whether the character achieves their goal for the scene, fails to achieve their goal, or faces a new complication.
As a bonus, do these for a few scenes in a row, paying attention to how they’re linked together, just as we did in class with Monstro Mechanica.
WEEK TWO
1. Revise your story spine and character bios from feedback received in class. (you do not need to repost this)
2. Turn your one-page synopsis into a page-by-page breakdown. This will help you control your pacing. In a five-page story, generally only one significant turning point can occur on each page.
ONE TO TWO SENTENCES per page. See the example I provide below.
Do NOT break your story down into panels, or add dialogue — including paraphrased dialogue (“Jack asks Jill to fetch a pail of water.”)
This will generally be SHORTER than your outline from the first week.
3. Post your assignment to the message board in a new thread: HOMEWORK 2 – NAME – TITLE
4. Critique the work of your classmates!
Hey, Jon! I’m assuming this will change based on our adjustments to the story sentence, but taking a look since we’re getting close to class time!
So, a couple of things.
1. I know you’ve been struggling with the story sentence a bit, and we’re still circling around a FIRM action leading to a firm goal, and I think that’s reflected here (which is part of the problem of working ahead). But yeah, it doesn’t really seem from this outline like your characters are WORKING toward anything, it’s just kind of…stuff happening and building.
Notice how your plot doesn’t really mention the main characters at ALL, after 1991. “Others” stop the bar scene. “People” come and go. And what happened to your characters? What was their goal, and did they meet it? Where are they at the end of the story?
2. You say the story will end with a description of it. Not great to end a comic with a “description,” given the visual nature of the medium, but setting that aside, your outline is not a place to include mysteries and teases — tell us in the outline what it is and how it will be described. This is an internal document for your team, not marketing text!
3. Just to respond to this:
“I could combine them into one character. I think that would be a boring character, but if needed I can try.”
I’m assuming this is in response to my saying that you should limit yourself to one main character in a five-pager, which is still true. And I just wanted to say: I would encourage you to have more faith in yourself! If you tell yourself “I can’t combine these three into one character without making it boring,” then it will DEFINITELY be true. I know the prospect of failure is terrifying, and we all question the limits of our talent, at times, but I would encourage you to PUSH those limits. That can be scary, and hard, but it’s also how you improve as a writer.
I have a reputation among several editors in the industry as someone who can take a very boring, impossible-to-execute concept, and make it good. One editor told me he gives me what he calls his “suicide missions” because he knows I’ll pull them off. And the reason for that is because I’ve always pushed hard at finding a better solution, a more interesting way to handle things. So I would encourage you to go into these assignments with that way of thinking.
You’ve got this.
Hey, Erik!
Very cool idea, as always. A couple things:
What’s up with the mention of Nejwa and her father having powers? It doesn’t actually affect the plot at all, it just muddles things and creates an expectation that never pays off. It also makes me think this is part of a larger story, which it shouldn’t be.
Nejwa also doesn’t really make any choices in the story, other than “I shall set a trap.” Then her father takes her candy away; she does nothing to get it back, but her brother gets it back for her. She sets the trap (her one choice) and then falls asleep. She’s not really moving the story forward, more just being swept along.
