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WOW! Your story and script are both great. I think your script’s structure is successful in:
– organizing the hierarchy of information and
– providing tension for each interaction/scene
– I found myself invested after each page because of the escalating stakes pushed forward by what the reader and Rhea does not know
– IDK if you did this on purpose but I like how Marigold’s name feels like a call back to the pool of glittering liquid
– I think it’d be helpful to have some character info as the first page
– I also have a similar question to Rebecca’s. I wonder how the skinny wizard stayed detained in the cell when I assume that they can use magic. Maybe include a panel where Rhea tried casting magic but can’t access her power or that her wand/staff didn’t get transported into the cell?
Hello, Rebecca! Overall, I like the flow of your story and the television dialogue is spot on for news! I think that the cop-speak is alright and I can tell it’s James because of how blunt he is which to me signals that he’s seen his fair share of crime scenes. Here are my feedback and a couple of them are also questions for myself too 😛 Please let me know if you have follow up questions!
– Can you include a brief description of characters in the first pages of your script as a reminder of who they are?
– This is also a comment for Paul. For page three, panel two: would it be beneficial to include the text previews of the notifications as dialogue? Can text notifications be used as another tool outside of dialogue to push the story forward?
– I wonder if you can combine the office and the apartment/crime scene into one to lessen the number of location settings? It can be something like the James and Mac have their conversation right at the entry way of the crime scene to have a final look before the family of the victim packs everything up. Mac can review the photos in her hands while James talks around her – kinda like a crime scene in the tv show, CSI 😛
– I don’t know if this is intentional but I found it challenging to piece together what time of the day it was with the scene descriptions in the first two pages. Would you consider describing daylight through a window or clock hands in the background or would that hinder your narrative? I like how you use the passage of time to portray Mac’s obsession with work and the mystery of tracing Gabby’s footsteps.
– In the end, it is a bit unclear to me if Mac suspects that Gabby is the murderer or if Mac was just hallucinating. I’m also interested on why James specifically asks Mac if she is on heroine, maybe that is what is leading me to my confusion.
– As an artist, I think it would be helpful to include a scene setting note in page four that panels one and two are visions so they can be illustrated with a gradient black behind the panels or in a sepia color to communicate to readers that it is not happening right now.
The pace of your story fits the five page structure well and fitting in a mystery is very challenging and I think you’re on the right track!
Thank you for the feedback!
Rebecca: I have not heard of Radiolab before but I’ll give it a shot!
Paul: Thanks for noting the items I paraphrased. I guess I’m having difficulty understanding how to not say too much without directing/writing in language that is like film when describing something that is in my head… I’ll read more examples of scripts and then work on mine.
