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I love the characters and content of your story. The descriptions are excellent and novel/pros like forming vivid imagery in my mind that is easy to see and feel.
A couple of things to think about…
There are too many actions happening within your panels. I can see the action, and they make sense, but an artist can only draw one action (maybe two, with one being primary per panel). For example, Panel Four… Rhea stands tall, determined. (action 1), Marigold smirks (action 2), snaps her fingers. (technically speaking, this would be two actions, so 3 and 4), and Sparks of yellow magic burst around Marigold’s fingers. (action 5). It’s not an easy task, but this would be closer to a 20-page story rather than 5, so I suggest reducing the actions in your final edit. I find thumbnail sketches (they can be stick figure-like) help with this.
On Page two, I know you know this, and I know this from previous readings, but there is no mention that Rhea’s powers no longer work. It’s only mentioned that her red sparkles are gone. Dialog could help here; something said out loud or in a thought bubble, “Strange, my magic doesn’t work here.” Also, on page two, think about the order of the information you provide to the reader. Is showing the etched names in Panel Five or Panel One more impactful?
One last thing to consider is the ease in which things “just happen” for Rhea. She is in a cell, oh there is a dagger, oh, it unlocks the lock, oh, another locked door, good thing I have this bone to pic it with. it may be useful to throw in an overcome or challenge she has to face that is not so easy/lucky.
A strong lesson here! Nicely paced from page to page… to add some drama; maybe the farmer’s daughter answers the phone… “Hello. Hello. Dad?” (and no answer). You have all the good stuff set here, so I would think of ways you can ramp up the drama and meaning for the highest impact.
Nice pacing. It’s easy to follow the action from page to page. My wife and I just finished watching the latest season of The Bear. If you haven’t seen it, it might be a source of inspiration – there is lots of chef drama.
Fun read! Curious as to how escaping her cell without magic can be turned into a meaningful tool for a Wizard.
Good stuff-! I like how easy it is to “see” what action is happening on each page. I agree with Paul on the girlfriend’s limited appearance.
As you know, I start with concepts and build through the class, so I haven’t figured out the tie-in with Nejwa and her father having powers yet. Just an interesting idea that may or may not live through our process.
1. Your background with comics
Hey Everyone! I’m Erik… I collected Comics as a kid, went to art school for college, and got into advertising/marketing websites, apps, and digital products. I started taking courses with Comics Experience in 2014-ish?!
2. What brought you to this class
I always learn something with Comics Experience, and I like taking these classes as a refresher… I’m on #8-ish now?! LOL
3. Your goals for this class
Learn some new things, refine some things, and write a great 5-page story.
4. Your favorite comic!
(see attached)
