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Hey Mik, nice job!
Lovely character descriptions, they all feel real and distinct. I especially loved the stutter of the Host, that added a uniqueness to them that made me know exactly when they were speaking and brought humanity to their character. The girzzledness of the Chef was also well portrayed and I feel like I can hear her raspy voice.
Great image of the medical bracelet, that immediately puts questions in our mind – is this woman allergic to something? Did she escape a hospital? Just get released? Does she have dementia or something?
I agree with Nick that sometimes it feels like there may be a lot happening in each panel. I’m not sure if it’s common practice in comics to do this or not, but I wonder if you could do a separate paragraph for each character/area of a panel description. For example, Page 2 panel 1 could be 3 separate paragraphs, one about the Host, one about the customer, and one about the background/setting. You could always play with what visual information you give first, like maybe start describing the setting to give us a feel, then focus in on the individual characters.
I was a bit confused in page 2 panel 1. With the description of the host that said “and the menu near her waist with both hands” – does this mean the host is holding the menu with both hands near her waist? That’s what I envisioned.
In this same panel, the host’s dialogue seems to imply that the Chef is with them to speak with the customer, but it doesn’t appear that way in the panel description. Is the Chef perhaps in the background observing the interaction?
Can’t wait to see the next draft!
Not sure if my replies are going through (so sorry if you get multiples of the same thing!) so let’s try again!
Well done Rebecca!
I really dug the dynamic between James and Mac, you did a great job establishing how James cares about Mac and doesn’t want them to get in trouble, but is also a bit exasperated by her shenanigans.
Great job with the visuals and showing us the changing perspectives when Mac goes into vision mode. You set up the goal from the start of solving the murder and we’re on board with that. I can also feel the tension with Mac and Gabby – it feels like they both really care a bout and love each other, but clearly there’s baggage and perhaps Mac has gone on benders in the past considering Gabby says she doesn’t believe Mac at the end.
Thoughts and observations as I read:
Page 4 panel 4 – seems like the action is cut off. “Mac is trying to” trying to what? Resists James? Hold onto her vision?
It seems like Mac has some sort of supernatural abilities, perhaps you could hint at that earlier in the pages. Or perhaps even sow doubt about whether or not she has a narcotics problem since it seems like James and Gabby assume Mac has a drug/alcohol problem and not supernatural abilities.
I’m wondering if there’s a way you could amp up your page turns. Maybe find a way to leave it on a question or surprise that we could reveal at the top of the next page.
Tone wise I could sense the mystery and detective story and especially near the end I felt a sense of Mac’s determination to solve this case – even at the expense of her relationships.
On a technical note, page 2 has some mislabeled dialogue lines (you repeat number 5) and on page 5 James’s first line is missing the number marker.
Great work, can’t wait to see the revisions.
Hey Nick, great job!
I love the contrast of the pristine shoe on the dirt, great contrast and sets up a potential fish out of water scenario. The reflection of the farmhouse on his glasses is also fabulous.
I feel like I can hear the stranger’s voice, very sinister, cool and calculating. You did a great job crafting his character both visually and in the dialogue. Same goes for the farmer, he’s weathered and scrappy and unwilling to go down without a fight, but realizes he’s not a young pup anymore, so perhaps it’s time for a change.
From page one you set up a great dynamic of tradition and modern with your characters and it feels like it will be a David vs. Goliath type story.
I like how we see the data centers encroaching in the distance, I’m wondering if there’s a way you could up the intensity of the data centers at the bottom of page 3 since it’s a bit of a repeat action to the end of page 2.
Part of me suspected the daughter to return at the end since she was alluded to on page 3. I wasn’t sure if she would be one of the data center people or maybe decide to farm just as the farmer decides to sell. Just a thought, no need to do anything with it. It’s already a bit dark seeing as it appears that the farmer has a heart attack at the end, leading us to wonder about the fate of his farm and his life.
Well done!
I also realize I did this based on what I remembered from the zoom call of what the homework was, so it has dialogue and what not. I’m out of town this week, but I can try sending in a different copy without those.
Ooh, interesting. In my mind, I had it structured as:
Character: wizard
Action: uses anything but magic
Goal: escape a strange prison
Does this one work better: A wizard is forced to use non-magical means to escape a strange prison.
(Also, sorry for replying in the initial thread, I made the mistake of following everyone else’s lead)
Hey everyone, I’m Celina Dobson.
I feel like I dabbled in comics when I was younger, but never really got into them. In more recent years, I got really into Lore Olympus when it was still purely a webtoon, and have been a manga fan for quite some time (I love Blue Exorcist and Blue Flag). I’m a big fan of the X-Men and have been doing my best to keep up with the current Uncanny run. I’m also a Teen Titans fan, and tangentially have been gobbling up anything Robin or Nightwing.
I volunteered at WonderCon last year and then went to Comic Con Revolution and both of these con experiences helped fully introduce me to the world of comics. I loved being with other nerds and seeing everyone’s creativity on display. I wanted to learn more, so I gobbled up podcasts, books and heard about comics experience and thought I’d give it a go. I’m also a current tv & screenwriting MFA student and am looking to diversify my writing portfolio and comics seems like a great fit.
My goal for this class is to is to understand how comics writing differs from other creative writing I’ve done, and to have a completed script I’m proud of that I can get art for and maybe even submit to an anthology. Also, just having fun learning something new!
Favorite comic is a hard one, so I’ll just go with what I’ve read recently which was Kami Garcia’s Teen Titans graphic novels. I really loved her Beast Boy issue.
